sigh

2003-12-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

Brannigan Bailey's Blue Balloon!

"I'm Punk"

.I will label you.
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm really bored. I've already posted two times, no three, altogether, on my Livejournal, so I thought I'd post on here aswell.
I haven't heard from Barnaby for ages. I guess he's over me already. It's stupid that I'm so easy to get over... but never mind, eh?
I keep telling myself I'm over him, but I'm probably not. My heart will still jump up into my throat next time I see him, just like it always did. And I'll probably feel a little bit nauseous about the fact that we're not together anymore, but who cares?

*sigh* Someone save me...

2003-12-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

Hey, I figured I'd post on my blog again.

Livejournal is tiresome in a way. Besides, me and Barny broke up and I know he won't read this if I release some tension, as it were.
I know, I know. How the hell did it happen? That's a question I'm not sure I know the answer to. I mean, sure we had problems, and we made each other unhappy when we were apart. But it seems to be only me who wants to try and work things out. I guess I'm just not worth it. What does a year and a half of complete devotion mean nowadays anyway?
It's the time when I have to be a strong woman. But dammit, I wish there was no need to be strong. If I could have anything for Christmas it would be to have the Barnaby I fell in love with back again. The one who laughs, smiles, dances and walks side by side with me. The one who looks at me and tells me he loves me at the times when I expect it least. The Barnaby who can disarm all my feelings of tension, apprehension and paranoia with just one smile, or cuddle.
*sigh* Those days are over, and I know that I will find someone who I can love just as much as I love Barnaby, and even more. I also know that if Barnaby truly loves me not, then I am losing nothing and have only to gain from him being out of my life.
I'm not a child anymore, I can see that things change and move on, and things such as pain and heartache prove only to make us stronger and much better people if we handle them correctly.
I feel now that my relationship with Barnaby was almost as a relationship between parent and child. I looked to him for love and reassurance, when an adult should look to find those things within themselves.
At least I have learnt some valuable lessons from that relationship, which I will treasure forever, locked in a golden box in the depths of my mind. He is the first man who I loved, the first man I have ever been in love with. No amount of pain or bitterness can ever change that, and my love for him will not die. I will just change my perspective of it, and it will lose it's importance.
There will always be a space in my life for the Barnaby that I fell in love with, but there is no room for a man who cannot love me.

I feel much better now... *smiles*

2003-09-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Ok... I have my Lj!
Goodbye, fair Blog. I will miss you so...
We've had some times, haven't we?

If you feel ready, check out my Livejournal.

-Meg x

2003-09-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

Malleron.com

What's this all about, huh?

I am listening to : Sublime - Wrong Way

This is a really weird evening. Got invited to go and see American Pie 3 tomorrow, which, if I can go, will be cool. Also, me and Dex tried to have a game of Heroes 3 online, which didn't work. Grrrr.
I want an Lj *giggle* C'mon Barny Boo!

Anyway, talk soon most likely ;)

-Meg x

2003-09-22T06:26:00.000-07:00

Awwwwr...
This is probably the last day I'm going to have my blog.
Anyway, about my weekend. It ruled. It was so good! I went to Barny's new place in Hereford, and we did loads of cool stuff, like shooting the strokes with a crossbow (there are pictures on Barns Lj - you can find a link to it over there ---->)
Anway, yeah, this little Kid called Nathan got the prize shot. I laughed so much. We'd (Me, Bee and Ryan) all been aiming at the same place for ages. Me, being a girl, couldn't even hit the poster, and I hit the tree more often than not. I think I got the poster once. Barny got some random places, and Ryan kept hitting one Stroke's arm. Crazy stuff, but you had to be there. Which you weren't.
II found it fun, anyway. We also did some late night shopping in tescos, and watched about 7 episodes of Naruto.
I'm really happy *smiles* This is pretty much how I pictured being in love- being able to enjoy every second together, not matter what's going on, laughing and smiling all the time, just... It's indescribable really. It's such a shame I only get to see him for a day every week. People used to tell me I was lucky, because believe it or not there was a time when I saw him every day. That was only a few months ago.
Now I'm lucky to see him at all.
But it's put our relationship in a new perspective, for me anyway. I don't need to spend every day with him to know he loves me, or to know I love him. It's made me learn to trust him, definately. This is a good thing, ja.
Ok, maybe post here later, or on my Lj if I get it tonight.

-Meg x

2003-09-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

*sigh*
Unfortunately, I will be leaving Blogland soon, and moving to the country of the livejournal.
This is a good thing as well as a sad thing, because I know there is so much more I could do with a livejournal... But I'll miss my cosy little blog.
It's not for about a week yet, so I'll keep updating here. Who knows, I may come back for a special visit, and I'll most certainly link from here to my Lj and vice versa.
But I'm in school right now, and I have a french grammar lesson, so I'm going to have to go.

- Meg x

2003-09-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

Heh...
Sorry about that last post- I realise it wasn't a very exciting read.
I'm at home today- feeling really rather ill. Symptoms include sore legs, cold body but rather high forehead temperature. Not fun at all.
I don't even like missing school- I think I had two frees today, and I'm finding school quite hard as it is, so I really don't want to get behind. I'll just have some extra work to do tomorrow night then *sigh*.
Plus points, though, are the nice long lie-in I had, the day-time TV (I'm not really sure that is a plus point, actually), and Mummy being really very nice to me.
But generally, I'm feeling very crap. Especially since I got very whiney and pathetic yesterday evening when I was talking to Barny, and I made him feel very bad indeed, which I deeply regret. So a very sincere and deep apology to him, but he'll get one later anyway.

Reccommended food of the month: Fry's Turkish Delight

Anyone who's been around me at a food time recently will know about my recent love of Turkish Delight. Weird thing is I don't like the Cadbury's one- it tastes nasty, and leaves a horrile after-taste to boot. But Fry's is nice. Yum Yum!

Oh, and my mobile is messed up. I haven't received any texts for over a day now- and it's not like people haven't texted me! Barny said sent me a text, but I haven't got one. Oh well, I will survive!

Anyway, this is all for now!

-Meg x

2003-09-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Blah
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH!

-Meg x

2003-09-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

Hehe...
I get to see him tomorrow! I can't wait...
I had my hair cut today, and it's ok... But I can't do anything with it, really. I think it makes my face looks a bit weird. But maybe I'll find something to do with it.
I'm taking some photos of myself to send Barny, but I just can't get it right. I look really stupid.
*sigh*

-Meg x

2003-09-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy! Happy, happy, happy!

Life is good, and I *really* want it to stay good.

-Meg x

2003-09-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Positron -- You are the anti-matter equivalent of
an electron. You are frantic and excitable like
the electron, but you have an unpleasant
personality and tend to destroy everything you
come in contact with. On the bright side
though, you are very cool. You like hanging out
with Anti-Protons.

What kind of subatomic particle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-09-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Quizilla Rules... I think it has something to do with my ego liking to answer questions.

-Meg

2003-09-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

You are a traditional rudie. You just love to
dance. It doesn't have to be fast for you to
dance to it. Good for you. If you like
traditional ska, then you deifinitely like the
Skatalites, Bob Marley and the Wailers, and
Skavoovie and the Epitones. You'll like the
Slackers. Keep groovin'.

What Kind Of Ska Kid Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Neis Iawn.

I'm so happy... It's mine and Barnaby's anniversary in 19 days! A whole year...! And definately more to come. I figure you's all dislike my constant ramblings about my Barnaby, but... I don't know. People frown on my saying this, but I don't ever want to be with anyone else.
I think I know how I feel... I know there's the chance that I could just be a confused kid, but I'm not so sure that's the case. There's a connection between us, and the amazing cirumstances under which we (finally) got together defy anyone who tells me this wasn't meant to be. Even if this "meant to be" is just a passing thing which will only last for as long as I still have things to learn, I feel sure in myself that I will love him for the rest of my life.
Anyway, here's to this- our first year.

And from my blog, to my Communications project. I really am working very hard...!

2003-09-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...
I've just started my first few days of sixth form, and it's been quite sweet. However, I'm in two minds about whether to do DT as a fourth AS. Gill said I probably should, but my reasons for doing only 3 AS courses this year is that they're the ones I'll take on to A Level, so I'll need to concentrate on them most- not some AS that I don't really want to do.
I guess I should talk to someone who knows.
Communications seems like it should be quite interesting, so I'm really looking forward to taking that course all the way through to A2. I'll explain more about it if I feel like it, but it's basically a mix between Sociology, Psychology and something else... I forget what (a good start, eh?).

In other news, Barny moved into his new place. It's really nice- and the family he's staying with are great. The mother's really nice, and her little four-year-old Dexter is soooooo cute!
I've been with Barny for 11 months now... It'll be 12 on the 27th of September.

Talking of Barny, I'm going to plug his online comic Brannigan Bailey's Blue Balloon, which I really like. It deserves more interest, because he works so hard on it. Also, it's better than some comics out there, which just take scenes from random games and try and put a story-line to them, usually not a very good story-line.

Anyway, more soon

-Meg

2003-08-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

Finally...
This is an apology, mainly to Andrew, because I haven't been able to get hold of him since my computer decided it didn't want to work. It's been a long while, and I just want you to know that I'm still here for you.

Anyway... Reading Festival was awesome. And I'll not forget the crazy bottle fight, in which I got battered and bruised (mainly on the head area). Made me miss half of System... Oh, and I saw Metallica. Very impressive. Although I must admit to the nation that it's not really my 'thing'. What really was my thing was King Prawn, who got me skanking in the thick of the pit. I was still dancing after I lost my shoe and someone stood on my foot- crazy stuff.

Anyway, it's late, and I have work in the morning.

Night night xxx

2003-08-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday...
to me!

This is pretty much all this post is about. I've got presents to open, so I'll have to leave now *grin*

-Meg x

2003-08-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

Day In, Day Out...
It's my birthday tomorrow- Sweet Sixteen. I'm hoping it'll be a good day. I'm quite worried that my parents haven't organised anything, because I really want to do something family orientated. My brother had a lot of time spent on him on his birthday, and I'm going to feel rather dejected if I get none spent on me at all. It all seems like one birthday a year is enough for my family.
But it won't be so bad, because I'm going to see some friends the day after, and we're going to celebrate then at least. I think.
Not long until Reading Festival. I REALLY want to see King Prawn and Mad Caddies. And Metallica, which is so going to rule. I get my GCSE results on the same day as I leave, actually. I'm not looking forward to my results. I have a really bad feeling that the effort I put in isn't going to be enough to get me the results I should get. Maths and Geography will be the worst, I reckon. But I'm never going to need to use them again so I don't see the point in really worrying about it.

Song Of The Day: Mad Caddies - Last Breath

I really want to see the Voodoo Glow Skulls live. It would completely rule... they just have so much energy in their music. I'm sure a live set would just blow everyone away...

Anyway, more later x

2003-07-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...
This is quite annoying. I just spent pretty much all of last night writing some lyrics for a song for the band I'm supposed to be singing for. I've been trying to get a reply out of them for a whole day now, because I want to know when practice is going to be, but they won't get back to me.
If that's the way it's going to be then screw them... But I'm so annoyed. I was up until 2am writing those damn lyrics, and now they're unusable.
If they don't want me to sing for them anymore, then they could at least tell me!! It's horrible being messed about- nobody likes it, and it shows a complete lack of consideration.
They're old enough to realise that an explaination would be much appreciated. Dammit.
And to top it all, I miss my Barny. I saw him earlier, on Alex's webcam (he's at a LAN party, blessim), but I couldn't talk to him, or hug him... He was laughing and being happy, and that's when I love him most...
*sigh*

I'm ok really. Just need to do something, instead of moping around the house doing nothing. Actually, saying that, I went driving today. Mum was teaching me how to do hill starts, and how to change gear. It was very fun. Except she kept shouting at me when it stalled. Not my fault, stupid car...

Song of the Day:
The Hippos - Paulina

I love this song. It was on a tape of mine ages ago, but someone took the tape from my bag, and I never saw it again. I only had the box, so I'm trying to download all the songs that were on it. It's hard though, because some are really rare. I got NOFX - All Outta Angst back, which is great.

I'm thinking of going to do something fun...

2003-07-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

I get it...
I get what he meant...
I just thought he was being crazy... I mean, why does it make any difference whether you tell someone how you feel about them, especially if you feel the way you're supposed to?
But that's exactly it.

Love is all about trust- being in love, you shouldn't have to ask whether someone loves you, whether you're the one for them... And if you have to ask, then you're showing that either you don't feel it, leaving them to wonder what they're doing wrong, or that you don't trust them.

And in time, with patience, you'll reap the benefits of feeling their love, not being told about it.

Someone can tell you they love you until they're blue in the face... but they don't have to mean it. You'll know when they mean it- you'll feel it.
Questions are stupid- they can only ever scratch the surface of real feeling.

I understand... And I hope it's not too late

2003-07-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

*Yawn*
Work is not good for me... Neither is getting up at ridiculous times in the morning.

NEWS: I have added a Guestbook and a Photo album. Make sure you sign and look at them, respectively.

I'm going to have a nap now!

-Meg

2003-07-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

Brrr...
Wow, it's cold today. After the recent heat wave I always thought it'd feel good to get back to some proper British weather. I was seriously mistaken. However, at least I'm not being suffocated by the air anymore, which is definately on the 'Plus' list. Typing makes my hands feel numb. That is how cold it is.
At the moment I'm listening to the Vandals. I don't like the new album. I have some older songs, which on their own are infinitely better than the whole album. That's just my opinion- but if anyone's looking for a great Vandals song, Fucked Up Girl is one I'd suggest.
Rhiannon was supposed to be coming today, but now she can't because she has a job interview, and she thinks she's going to have to be working this weekend. That sucks, because I really want to see her. Every time she says she's coming down something comes up- she hasn't been here once since she moved out. Not that I'm suggesting she doesn't want to come down, but... I don't know.

Anyway, this is going to be a short post because I'm not inspired enough to write anything substantial...

-Meg

2003-07-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend.
You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
places. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This one is 'What kind of Girlfriend are you?'. Barny, you'd better read this and agree! *Chuckle*

2003-07-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

Rock on, dude! You are Punk music!

What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

And this one's quite cool... yuh.

2003-07-16T05:19:00.000-07:00

*Contented Sigh...*

Take Daniel Beddingfield's lyrics:

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

This is how I feel today... I'm not really sure why. I hope he reads this... For some reason I keep messing up, but I'm so determined not to carry on doing so. We broke up once, a year ago in two days, and it's hitting it home to me now that I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to be apart from him, I don't want to see him with another girl, I don't want to have to face the prospect of eternity without him...
I only wish there was some way I could take back all the times I didn't believe him when he said he loved me, and the times when I made him feel guilty about not calling me, or not texting me. It's stupid, and it's driving him away from me.
I'm talking to an old friend of mine, who I lost once upon a time and wish I never had, because she's so beautiful, and I forget that... But anyway, she's the same as me- insecure, wanting a lot of attention... and I'm sad to say quite manipulative and used to getting her own way. We both are, that's why our relationship fell apart.

Han: "You concentrate on what he does do to show you he loves you, cos from an outsiders point of view he does do alot and stuff"

Han: "Like ask for a little bit more but be content with what you have. you cant really ask him to change that much. he's just like that."

I'm not quite sure what 'like that' means, but he's very talented, and does a lot with his time, so I guess she means busy- work, band, computer, going out... He knows I'll always be here for him, so I guess he doesn't need to be calling me or texting me every other second. I'm not as trusting as he is- I'd call myself quite paranoid and insecure, to be honest- so I'm always texting him, and waiting for texts back that never come. But that's ok, because I'm learning and getting to know him more and more. And it's hard, but it's part of the man I love, so I accept it.

But anyway- maybe I'll write more later... but I want to do other stuff
-Meg

2003-07-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...
How am I feeling? Tired and depressed, but seeing as it's 12:50am, and I was up for the train this morning at 9. Ok, yesterday morning as of now, I think that's acceptable.
In some ways my day went well- I saw Barnaby, and we had fun... But I always seem to feel a little bit disappointed with my day when I realise I didn't really do anything. It's not like today was anything special, though in some ways I feel it should have been- spending time with the one you love, and all that.
When you love someone, I think you feel obliged to have all these happy feelings of well being and stuff when you think about them... But I don't always. Right now I just miss him, and feel like I could be a better person, so he'd miss me too... Maybe it's just me. But nothing's ever 'just you', is it?
I often wonder if people can ever get through a day without offending or upsetting the person they love, even if it's in just a very small way. I don't really think it's possible. The only reason we notice all these things, in my opinon, is because of the fantasies we have about living on the set of a romantic sit com. Obviously people react to these minor day to day glitches in different ways. People like me tend to muse on them, letting our minds twist and mutate every little word or action into something deep and positively Freudian. However, some people just forget. Carry on doing what they were doing and never pay it a second thought. Most of the time I'd love to posess that kind of attiude. Buuuut, I have nothing better to do with my day than speculate on what was said, what should have been said, what wasn't said, and so on and so forth until I come to the conclusion that I am driving myself insane, and should probably go to bed...
The worst thing is that it's hard to control your tongue, after you've been imagining all these possible yet improbable outcomes and let yourself believe them, and you say something that really hurts that other person. I must admit I have done that so many times. Then it's a case of doing everything you can to convince them that what you said isn't what you really think- just a product of your over-active imagination.
These kind of occurences can cause serious problems in a relationship- breeding contempt and mistrust between the couple. Been there, done that, got through it, never want to go through it again. And even though people say that getting through a problem only makes you stronger, it takes a whole lot of strength not to let it happen again.
Not only strength, but co-operation. I have to say that before you can get through a problem completely, you need complete support and understanding from whomever you are with. This is not always easy, because of the rift that a problem can create. It really is a case of trust and honesty, which are generally not things we're brought up with in the home.

In conclusion, all you can really do is wait and hope... Have faith and trust (two things I find really hard to do, and think before you speak. Explain how you feel- why you've let yourself think this- what provoked this reaction... Take time to listen what your other half has to say...
I don't know if any of this makes any sense, because i'm still trying to sort my head out myself. It's probably why I wrote this...

Good luck to you... and to me!
-Meg-

2003-07-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ok- here is an update for the only person who ever reads my blog thing...
Today was really good. Not because I won the lottery, or because it was my birthday, or because I got an unexpected visit from someone I hadn't seen for ages [Which, incidentally, I did. Kinda. I got talking to the mother of one of my friends in Primary school, and hopefully I'm going to be seeing her soon, for the first time in five years], but it was because it was one of those days when nothing can really go wrong, even when other days the same htings would be a hell on earth.
First thing, I had to get up 'early' to wait for a delivery. The same delivery meant I couldn't go and help make the skate box, which my Dad and my Barnaby were making together. I had to be parted from my darling, sweet Barnaby, and play Tony Hawks for a few hours straight.
Then Barny came home, and I saw him only for a few seconds until he had to leave for his own home *sob*, and I was left with a big, ugly hole... But it felt ok, because for some reason I feel really loved today.

I think the whole thing about yourself feeling good is tolerating the way other people treat you. Reacting to all the wrong things other people say or do is not a good thing- it just causes tension and conflict. I've been learning that. Granted- slowly and painstakingly, but with a beneficial outcome and a life lesson learned.

MSN 6 is great- it's really handy these days, now that I'm at home with pretty much nothing to do all day. I'm really good at Minesweeper flags and Solitaire, but I can't seem to find my footing with Checkers. Bejewled isn't a competetive game, but it's fun and shiny looking, so I like it. It's like Tetris-Switcheroo :)

Song of the day: Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-A-Lot [I just watched Kung Pow]
Also, seriously: Nickel Creek - When You Come Back Down

I miss singing with guitars... *sob*
Barny, can we get that together, please?

Anyway, this is all I am inspired to write...

- Meg -

2003-06-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

Riiiight...
I was full of ideas about what I'd write when I finally got this far, but now I am at a miss as to exactly what I was thinking of writing anyway.
Let's begin with today- It was the last of my exams, which means I have the summer practically to do as I please, apart from working. I came home this afternoon, and fell straight to sleep. Also, I have been 'hanging' with my little brother- ok, not so little at 14- because he's only just got out of hospital after an operation.
It's quite horrible, because he has to take at least three different types of medicine or pills for the pain- it's not something you want to see someone you love go through. Plus, he has to get up at ridiculous times in the middle of the night to take them. Thankfully it'll all be over by next monday, because we'll be going back to the hospital and he'll be having the bandages taken off and the stitches taken out. But anyway, I hope it's all worth it.
Summer... ahhh, the past few days have been really sunny and beutiful, and have reminded me just how good summer feels. I can't wait to get out there and start doing something productive! Although, I know there's no time like the present and all that, but I really want to savour the relaxing time I need this holiday. Besides, my birthday is coming up, and I'm going to need all the energy I can muster if I'm going to make it the best one yet. I hardly feel hopeful though- I always find birthdays to be quite disappointing. Last year my Mum was annoyed with me because I stayed at the house of a person who she didn't know, the year before I spent it travelling in the car with my Dad and a stroppy boy to whom I was not speaking, and the year before it rained heavily from morning to night. The one rainy day in a stupid number of sunny ones.
But, we'll see how this year goes!
That's it from me for now- Meg x